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AnGeL (10 unread)

ALIVE AND BREATHING...

Posted: February 5th, 2010, 2:41am PST by AnGeL

i'm here and still breathing... :p
i know it's been ages since i last posted anything (5 months) i've been ignoring this blog for a while now and it is because of a number of things....one of them is that i started my masters studies and i barely had time for myself, let alone the blog :p another reason is that i haven't been inspired to write anything really :p
the first semester ended and i'm not very happy with it...it has been a great experience don't get me wrong, but i sort of rediscovered my self....one of the reasons that i entered this program is because i love my major, i'm passionate about it, and because i couldn't live with the idea of stopping here and stick with a job and wait for something to happen..i would kill myself...the idea that waking up going to work and coming back home is the thing that i'll be doing for the rest of my life is scary...it freaks me out not having something to look forward to and work hard to achieve...
but so far i've been shocked...first because it is harder than i expected...i know it was hard, but being in it made me realize how hard it is....secondly, i have this strong ugly feeling that i can't do it..that i've been fooling myself all along thinking that i am good enough or smart enough for it...it is not about the grades as much as the comments i got and the things i noticed about my work....it made me revaluate myself...it made me ask myself more than once what am i doing here? how on earth did they accept me in the program if this was my level? at first i thought it was the program itself ir the way they handle it....but now i'm really thinking it is me...it's frustrating and annoying in more than one way...
what is more annoying is the feedback i'm getting from my family...they have this really bad habit of making it other people's falt...i mean they see me work hard and study all the time and then they hear me complain about the grades and courses so they think it is the teachers or the material...i tried telling them more than once that it is hard and not easy...and i am facing problems and difficulties with it....they tell me that i am smart and can do it easily.. I DON'T WANT THEM TO SAY THAT....this makes me feel worse...if i am as smart as they believe why on earth am i finding it hard? they don't understand how their comments make me feel... *sigh*
besides all that, every time i complain about how i don't have enough time to study and read they ask me to quit my job....and i don't want that....they tell me to transfer to a government job and i don't want that either....i am a workaholic and the thought of me sitting on a desk doing minimum mount of work or none....drives me crazy...i have a lot of work and tasks at my current job, even when i get a day with nothing to do i would go and ask for something to do...i can't sit doing nothing...plus i like my job...i like my colleagues, i like my managers...
i know that they want me to quit to focus on my studies, but what will i do during summer break? or mid semester break? :s i don't know....i don't think i'm ready to quit my job yet...maybe when i start working on my thesis...i don't know....i don't want to think about it...
for the first time in my life i'm not looking forward for a semester to start...i am not very excited about ordering the books...and trust me, books excite me BIG TIME...
i don't like how this masters program made me feel about myself....i don't like who i've became after i joined the program...
BUT i'm not quitting...don't ever think about that...if i am one thing i am not a quitter...if i'm not good enough they will kick me out :p now, what happens to me if that happens? let's leave it for when it happens ;)
blekh...these thoughts annoy me and frustrate me...it is all i think of now....i'm not even enjoying my holiday because all i can think of is how to survive the coming semester :/
i wish i can wipe these thought and make them go away...
تقلبات مزاج

Posted: August 24th, 2009, 4:10am PDT by AnGeL

تقلبات مزاج
تحركات رمال و اصوات تصادم التيار بالتيار

عشوائيات تحكمنا و لا نشتكي.....
فكيف لعالم فوضوي ان يطالب بالحلول العقليه و الاجوبه المقنعه....؟؟؟؟

هكذا نحن.....نمشي متخبطين....نرتطم بالابواب و الاحلام و الاعذار....
نتناسى لغة الحوار.....

هكذا نحن يا فلان......تتكرر قصتنا كل عام....
نلتقي....فنحب....و نعشق....و نغار....
ثم مثل كل عام...نجاوب السؤال بمائة سؤال....و نلعن الساعة و الدقيقة و المكان......
فنجري هاربين.....
نفكر بطريقةٍ لنتجنب اللقاء بعد عام.....

Permalink for 'AnGeL/2009/07/13/%d9%88%d8%b1%d9%82'

ورق

Posted: July 13th, 2009, 2:23am PDT by AnGeL

عدتُ من اللقاء،

لأخطّ على الورقة البيضاء جموحي...

ولم أقدر.

لم أكتب كلمة،

وظلت الورقة بيضاء.

نمت ثملة بسعادتي، وحين صحوت،

وجدت الورقة قد كتبت لي:

عيشي...

فالحب كتابة بالأثير على سطر الأفق.

غاده السمان

felt like i have 2 post these :D

Posted: June 19th, 2009, 2:00am PDT by AnGeL

total hotness.
i guess the pictures speak for themselves :p no need for me to make any further comments and possibly make a fool of myself lol
AM blabbing...

Posted: June 6th, 2009, 4:54pm PDT by AnGeL

i'm about to step into a big thing, maybe huge. it's good, actually great. i'm really happy about it, over the moon, but i'm scared. i'm excited but terrified at the same time. not about the step, about how ready i am for it. i think that i'm getting my self into something bigger than me maybe, or that i'm not up to it. every one tells me that i'm being stupid. that i'm looking down at myself , that i need to believe in myself more.

it's not a trust or believe issue. i'm just thinking about this in a realistic way. Trying to weigh it in my head. well mostly scared that i'll fail in it, or maybe suck at it, or maybe be the worse at doing it.
can i handle the pressure? can i go through with it? is it too much for me? am i over dreaming? over achiever? insecure? blabbing maybe?
or maybe i'm unreasonably freaking out?

and to add cherry on the topping, i made a decisions that could be either really stupid or really smart at this point of my life.
so now not only i'm thinking about the first step (which doesn't require thinking anymore now) but now i have to think about the consequences of the decision i made.

it shouldn't be a problem because everyone around me is telling me that i shouldn't worry that much, that i made the right choice because i feel good about it, because i shouldn't worry about those consequences, that they are taken care of. well the problem is that i'm not feeling this way. i'm not comfortable about not worrying about the consequences.

i know i'm probably not making that much sense but i really need to get that out of my system, so bare with me ok, i'm sure this is not that first time that you guys face one of these posts :p

i know this wasn't clear. what i'm talking about it, but try to pretend that you understand and that you know what i'm talking about.

what do you think? am i freaking out for no reason? is there a valid reason for my worries?

ok it's 2 am now and i'm too lazy to post this so i'll save it and post it later tomorrow, or i guess i should say later today :p that is if i don't read this again tomorrow after i sober up from the cough medicine ;)
in the mood for...

Posted: May 20th, 2009, 4:15am PDT by AnGeL

just love this song
يادارة دوري فينا .ضلّـلي دوري فينا
ت ينسو أساميهون ...وننسى أسامينا

تعا ت نتخبّى من درب الاعمار وإذا هنّ يكبرو نحنا بقينا صغار
وسألونا وين كنتو ...وليش ما كبرتو أنتو ...بنقلّـلون نسينا
واللي نادى الناس ...ت يكبرو الناس ...راح ونسي ينادينا
talk to me....

Posted: May 13th, 2009, 1:52am PDT by AnGeL

have you ever felt that you are so obsessed about music that you feel like you understand it to the extent that you could put it into words?! like translate the notes to words?! or create a plot for a certain musical piece? with a storyline !? (ex: it's about two people in love, just met, leaving...etc )

did u ever feel that you can get into the music and understand it that much!? did it ever tell you a story? can you feel it talking to you? did you ever thought "now i know what he meant" or "i can see what he's trying to say" ????

is this normal! or is it obsession !!?!!?

i think it's good and healthy :D

i don't know, speak out...let me know what you think ;)
:D

Posted: May 11th, 2009, 6:11pm PDT by AnGeL
i want this :D

Posted: April 21st, 2009, 10:28pm PDT by AnGeL

i love this dress.
i want one :D
Star sign poem

Posted: April 14th, 2009, 2:31pm PDT by AnGeL

i just read a poem by Kareem Al Iraqi about women and their star signs. check out what my star sign said :/ الثور:فيك العناد وثورة التيارِأما الحنان فذاب خلف ستارِصعب لقلبك أن يسلّم أمره بسهولة ومرونةٍ وحوارِفالعقل عندك سيد متسلطمتخصص بقراءة الأفكارِأما هدوؤك فالعواصف خلفهُوحذار منك إذا غضبت حذارِ creepy :s-------------------------------this is the whole poem. check out your star sign and let me know how true it is ;) الحمل:أفيقي من النوم ياسيده نوم النهار بلا فائدهوالصبر والإيمان والإصرارُيبقى النجاح حليفك لكنماطبع النفوس من النجاح تغارُما دمت حملاً فاحذري يا حلوتيبعض الذئاب وجوهها أقمارُ------------------الثور:فيك العناد وثورة التيارِأما الحنان فذاب خلف ستارِصعب لقلبك أن يسلّم أمره بسهولة ومرونةٍ وحوارِفالعقل عندك سيد متسلط متخصص بقراءة الأفكارِأما هدوؤك فالعواصف خلفهُ وحذار منك إذا غضبت حذارِ-------------------الجوزاء:تجيدين الإثارة كل حين وسحرك تستدير له العيونُملأت الجو أنواراً وعطراًتحير في رضاك المعجبونفوجهك ضاحك والقلب يغليسيول في دواخلك الشجونُفإحساس حريري رقيق...وقلب حائر قلق حنونُسعيد من يحبك دون شك... ورغم الحب تحرقه الظنونُلك قلب نبيل فارحميه... أيا جوزاء دلع أم جنون؟------------------------- السرطان:امرأة السرطان يا مثابرهْ يا حذره... يا صابرهْ ذات العيون الحائرهْالبحر يعلم انك صيادة ذكية وماهرهْفلمَ التحفظ والقلقْ؟ولمَ التأمل والأرقْوأنت في عز الألقْسرت بعزم للهدفْونلت مرتبة الشرفْبحكمة مدروسة لا بالتحايل والصدفْهيا ازرعي ابتسامة على خدود نضرهْأما كفاك أنك على الأمور مسيطرهْ--------------------------- الأسد:دقيقة الملاحظهْ.. واضحة وغامضهْمذهلة الحدسْ... طويلة النفسْفراسة تقودها للانقضاض على الفرصأيتها العنيدةُ.. نجاحك الكبيرْجاء من الذكاء والتشخيص والتدبيرلك حضور مذهل ومظهر جذابْإصرارك الذي لا يعرف الصعابْ يثير حولك الإعجابْلكنني أوصيك بالتأنيفالعنف من طباعه يقود للتجنيإياك يا قوية من بعض سوء الظنِلا تهملي الحبيب يا حبيبهْوتوازني أيتها الرهيبهْ---------------- العذراء:فيما مضى أنت هي المحرومهْفيما مضى أنت هي المظلومهْوالآن يا عزيزتي أنت هي المحظوظهْأنت هي المحبوبة الموهوبهْفاحتفلي بالسعد يا سعيدة واحتفظي بالسر يا كتومهْصبر لك لا يقهرُ.. يهرب منه الخطرُبعد الجفاف والأسى سماؤك ستمطرْإن ضاقت الدنيا بك، إيمانك ينتصرُأيتها الفارسة القديرة، إياك من منافذ نيرانها خطيرهْالبخل والغرور ثم الغيرهْ.--------------- .الميزان:تخافين من المستقبل الآتي برأسك فيض أسئلة.. ومن غير إجاباتِأهذا العمر مولاتي؟لماذا أنت غارقة بأفكار خرافيةلماذا أنت هاربة، لماذا يا انطوائيهْ؟أيا شفافة الوجدانْأيا ساحرة الصوت كأنك توأم الكروانْأهذا العدل يا ميزانْ؟تخطي قلعة الأحزانْ ففي أعماقك طير، يعاني لوعة الحرمانْ كفاه السجن والسجانْ له حق عليك القلب، يا ميزانْ -------------------------العقرب:تساهلي يا عقرب الأبراجْوخففي من ثورة المزاجْالمحبون حولك.. أدمتهم نبالكِهيا أسرعي للنار بالأمواجْواعتذري فالكل في إحراجْيا أنت يا حبيبةالنساء والرجالْكم تحملين براءة الأطفالْعودي إلى هدوئك النبيلْ وحديثك المهذب الجميلْ أيتها الأنيقة.. علتك بصبرك القليلْ حبيبك ليس له عن حبك بديلْ إياك أن تتسرعي إياك أن تتمردي ستندمين تأكدي------------------ الجدي:يا نادرة الشفافية، يا عاشقة للحريهْيا ناجحة لا تلتفتي للخبثاء فأنت قويّهْيا ماشية فوق النارْطبعاً، منك البعض يغارْليس الصخر كمثل البحروليس الشوك كما الأزهاروانتبهي للقلب قليلاً وكفاك جدالاً وخصامْفهناك حبيب يتفانى من أجلك طول الأيامْيحتاج حنانك ووفاءك، ما الدنيا من دون غرامْ؟----------------------- الدلو:لماذا البرود، لماذا السكونْ؟كفانا دموعاً تقول العيونْيا دلو، اخرج إلى الشمس لطفاًكفانا نغوص ببئر الظنونْنجحت كثيراً بقهر الصعابْوكنت ضياء يشق الضبابْفآن الأوان لننهي العذابْأسهلٌ علينا يضيع الشبابْ؟فقلب الأنوثة مثل الزهورْيحتاج ماء ويحتاج نورْأسهلٌ علينا يضيع الجمالْ؟يقول تعالي فقولي تعالْهو الحب نادى بكل جلالْ---------------------
القوسأنت الإرادة والطموح النارُيا قوس يا متفائلهْلك كبرياء هائلهْومغامرات مذهلهْالسعي من صفاتكِوالحب كل حياتكِلكن هناك دسائس دوماً تحاك حولكِتسعين للأمل الشهيوطموحك لا ينتهيإياك أن تنكسري، بل قاومي وكابريحتماً تمر العاصفة، ويفيض نهر العاطفهْمن بعد طول عذابك تجنين أحلى الثمرِوحبيبك الذي اختفى سيعود مثل القمرِ-------------------- الحوت:يا حوت يا غامضة الأهدافْالكل من هدوئك يخافْقوية واثقة عنيدهْ، سفينة تقودها عاطفة شديدهْمعشوقة الرجال والنساءْشديدة التركيز والدهاءْيا حوت يا كريمة العطاءْحبيبك المخلص يا حسناءْلا تهمليه وحده يغوص تحت الماءْوبادليه الحب والوفاءْفما الحياة والحب بلا وفاءْ؟

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AnGeL (10 unread)

ALIVE AND BREATHING...

Posted: February 5th, 2010, 2:41am PST by AnGeL

تقلبات مزاج

Posted: August 24th, 2009, 4:10am PDT by AnGeL

ورق

Posted: July 13th, 2009, 2:23am PDT by AnGeL

felt like i have 2 post these :D

Posted: June 19th, 2009, 2:00am PDT by AnGeL

AM blabbing...

Posted: June 6th, 2009, 4:54pm PDT by AnGeL

in the mood for...

Posted: May 20th, 2009, 4:15am PDT by AnGeL

talk to me....

Posted: May 13th, 2009, 1:52am PDT by AnGeL

:D

Posted: May 11th, 2009, 6:11pm PDT by AnGeL

i want this :D

Posted: April 21st, 2009, 10:28pm PDT by AnGeL

Star sign poem

Posted: April 14th, 2009, 2:31pm PDT by AnGeL